At The Dad Matters, you as an individual are recognized. Sometimes relationships don’t always work out the way that we planned and a spouse may be unfaithful. In this situation, it can be hard to gather your thoughts and know where to begin. This article will cover 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, and a few you should ask yourself.
Questions to ask YOURSELF about your partner’s infidelity
There are few things we need to cover before we move into the questions to ask your spouse after infidelity. It can be extremely important to take the time to consider how to talk to your partner after cheating. Along with that, you may want to consider what it will really be like knowing the details of infidelity. Before we get into those 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, let’s cover the questions you should ask yourself. This will help you to make sure you are considering how to talk to your partner after infidelity. Here is a list of questions to help you be prepared.
Knowing where YOU stand will help this conversation along
Are you hoping to work it out, or are you packing your bags? It might be too early to figure out what your final decision is. However, it can be important to know what your hope is. Would you like to work it out? Was this the “out” of your relationship that now gives you the permission you feel like you needed in order to step away?
Knowing details of infidelity
How much do you want to know? It can be tempting to say that you want to know everything. To feel like you are entitled to know who, how, when, how often, and more. But taking a step back to think, “do I need to know everything?” may help this conversation moving forward. Only you will know how much you really need to know.
However, in order to think clearly, you will need to step back and assess where you are.
Question why you want to know what you want to know
Are you wanting to know who, how often, why, when, and who else knew? Do you really want to know everything? What purpose will knowing everything serve? Is it to help your own curiosity, to gain closure, to better understand, to compare?
If you take time to consider what knowing will do to help or hurt the situation it will help you move forward purposefully.
Who else is going to be impacted as a result of how this conversation goes?
Remember, that you and your spouse may not be the only ones impacted by the result of this conversation. If you have children remember that this conversation, and how this is handled, will have a direct impact on their lives. While it might not be the best to stay in an unhealthy relationship just for children, it is important to consider how this will impact those you will be responsible for.
How do YOU deal with your emotions
When you are working through the 10 questions to ask an unfaithful spouse, understanding how you work through your emotions is crucial. Some men shut down, others get angry, some talk through everything, and still many will put walls up and act as though it doesn’t bother them. Often, men will get defensive and say things like:
- You never mattered
- I never loved you
- I have plenty of people interested in me
Really, what this is doing is trying to protect yourself from the pain that you’re feeling. When really, it could be read as a list of questions you want to ask about yourself.
- Did I ever matter?
- Did you ever love me?
- Is anyone really interested in me?
This leads into what you will need to do in order to have this conversation.
What will you need to do to talk about this without being carried away by emotion
Once you know how you deal with your emotions, you can figure out what you need to do in order to calm yourself down during these conversations. Maybe it is to come in with a list full of questions, maybe it is to say a prayer before you start. It could be that you need to exercise beforehand or afterward. Perhaps you should have this conversation in the morning rather than after a long day at work.
Do you have people you can with about having an unfaithful spouse?
It can be hard to share this experience with other people. Many feel that they will be looked down upon if others know that they have been cheated on. Do you have friends that you can talk through this with that will be good sounding boards? Will they be driven by emotion too, or will they help you work through yours?
10 Questions to ask your unfaithful spouse
Now that we have got you squared away and a plan in place here are 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. You will be asking questions to gain understanding, but in your responses and seeking clarity try not to point the finger. It can be easy to dig in and have this conversation be driven by emotion.
To help it be less combative, seek to make “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, instead of saying, “you never cared about me”, you could say, “I didn’t feel like I was emotionally being validated/seen/understood.” Another example is to say, “I feel like it would be helpful to work through this with a counselor” rather than, “Well you need to get help if you’re going to make this work”.
1 – Are you willing to be honest with me?
If your spouse is not willing to be honest with you, there are a few options. You can try to continue the conversation knowing that you may not get all of the answers you’re looking for. Or you could ask, “would it be better to wait to have this conversation until you’re ready to be fully honest?”.
Either way, this question will help to set the tone moving forward. Remember, if you are asking for honesty, be willing to accept what might be hard to hear.
2 – How do you expect me to react? How would you react in this situation?
This question will be helpful in laying the groundwork for moving through this conversation. You are aware that they haven’t been fully honest with you in the past, but this conversation can provide a place to have the conversation you need to. By asking for honesty now, and being willing to allow your spouse to speak honestly, you can start to have an open discussion about what has happened.
In asking this question, you are asking them to step outside of their perspective to see how you might be feeling. It also requires them to reflect on what they’re wanting from you.
Are they wanting more attention? Do they expect understanding and mercy? Are they wanting to make you upset? Are they wanting to hurt you? Do they want you to make the decision to leave so that they can leave the marriage and say that it wasn’t their choice? There are a lot of things you can learn from asking this to a spouse.
3 – Is this something that you had thought about for a while?
By asking if cheating was something that had been planned or if it was an act of spontaneity you can better understand why it happened. If it was planned, you will ask different questions about the length of it, or the reason behind it than if it was just a one-off.
4 – What was I not giving you that you felt you needed to get elsewhere? Do you feel like I can provide that for you, I just wasn’t?
Knowing what was missing is only part of this question. It could be attention, a listening ear, looks, passion, money, or any number of things. What you are wanting to know is whether or not they feel like you are capable of providing that for them. If you are willing to be more attentive to their needs, or change up your routines, plan more date nights, will that help them to find what they felt was missing?
You are not expected to beg in this situation, but you should ask with an open mind to better understand. You may want to know if this is something that you could improve, or if it is an impossible expectation that is being placed on you.
5 – Were you concerned about our relationship?
This is different from, “didn’t you care about us?”. Instead, you are asking, if they were wondering if this would impact your relationship moving forward.
Understanding whether or not they were considering how this could affect your relationship will help you to know whether or not they might be wanting to work through it, or if they are already moving on.
6 – Why are you telling me now? Do you feel regret for cheating or for getting caught?
You may know the answer to “why now” before asking. But teaming this up with whether or not they feel guilt for the behavior or guilt for the consequence can help you to know if this is something they want to stop, or want to continue.
7 – Do you feel like you are in love with this person?
Continuing the conversation a little bit further. Knowing if they are in love with this other person helps you know what might be the best way to move forward. While some these questions seem similar, using triangulation will allow you to see if there are holes in their story. It can also allow you to recognize if what they are saying is one consistent message.
Sometimes people will not want to say what they are thinking. This can be out of fear of hurting someone, or the response they will receive. If you’ve sought to control your emotions throughout it will help this conversation to be an open discussion.
You are not trying to find fault, you are trying to find understanding.
8 – Did you plan a future with that person?
In asking questions to a spouse that cheated on you, you’ll want to be sure of their intentions. You should ask whether or not they have made plans with this person for their future. Have they been dreaming of a different future than you have? Are they hoping for a way out? Do they want to find a way to fix your relationship or are they already planning on moving on.
9 – How would you like us to go forward? Where do you see our relationship in 5 years?
Again, building on this discussion, you should be able to tell if your spouse wants to stay or go. This question will require that they make a decision about where they are hoping to be. It will also cause them to consider what they expect either a marriage, or a separation going forward will look like.
Do they expect to get full custody of your children? Do they want to go forward and have received forgiveness and forget about this experience? These answers will paint a picture for you of their expectations.
10 – Do our children know?
Once you have gained an understanding of where you are as an individual and where you both are as a couple, it is time to consider your children. You will want to discuss if, how, and when the children will be brought into this conversation.
You may not want your children to know, or your spouse may not. It may be a sign of respect to not sully your spouse’s name. On the flip-side you may seek to drag them through the dirt to prove you are the better person. Maybe you’re wanting to show that they ruined it for everyone.
I would encourage you to go back to the start of this article. Reflect on who you are and what you want moving forward. Either way, bringing your children into this conversation is going to be difficult. Think of the relationships you want them to have in the future. Consider the characteristics you want them to develop and the person you want them to be. This might be a time you consider writing a letter to your child to help this conversation along. You may also consider taking them on a date to talk through this situation.
Recap of 10 questions to ask an unfaithful spouse
This isn’t any easy situation. It is not one that is hoped for. Knowing details of infidelity can be hard, regardless of how detailed they get. But you are not alone. Be willing to reach out to those around you and share as much as you are comfortable with.
Some people feel that they will appear “less than” to friends and family, or that it will cloud how others view their spouse if things do work out. This is where counseling could be helpful, and that is not limited to couples counseling. That sounding board can be essential. At The Dad Matters, we wish you well, and hope that this conversation can help you to gain peace and vision on how to best move forward for yourself and your family. You can still be an amazing father, regardless of the outcome of this situation. Double down on your efforts to be a great father and allow your children to know you are all in for them.
If you are considering working on your relationship, consider this list of fun questions to ask your spouse. It will keep the conversation lighthearted while providing a way to communicate with one another.
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