There are a lot of moments where a father knows that he could have done better. It can be when he should have been more patient, kind or understanding. Or where he could have been more supportive, listened more, or simply said, “I love you”. While it is important to look back, we can’t always go back and change the past. But a letter from a father to son can help you say what you need to. It can also help your son recognize that you think about them, even when they’re not right next to you.
Writing a letter from a father to a son can commemorate a life event or just because you’ve been thinking. Whether your son is turning 18, getting married, having a kid, getting divorced, landing their dream job, or even overcoming an illness, a letter from a father to a son can be a keepsake for your posterity.
In this article we are going to discuss (1) 6 reasons why you should write a letter to your son. We will look at (2) some tips to keep in mind when writing. And we will discuss (3) things to avoid when writing your letter.
Other articles discuss writing letters to your children, a mother writing a letter to her son, or even a father writing a letter to their daughter. But this article is focused on the importance of writing a letter from father to son. This is a special relationship that provides an opportunity for your son to be seen, recognized, and supported.
Let’s jump into it.
6 reasons you should write a letter to your son
1 – Saying things can be hard.
Being able to know the right thing to do in the moment can be difficult. Let’s face it, sometimes knowing what to do can be hard. When you’ve had a bad day at work, a disagreement with family, or were just upset during the day, talking yourself down can be difficult. Unfortunately, our kids might face some of that frustration even though they had nothing to do with it.
Writing a letter to your son can show your him you still think of him when he is not there. It also allows him to know you a little better.
2 – I don’t talk that good
Movies can provide special moments where father and son share a life changing discussion. However, not all of us are that eloquent, or that good at recognizing when those moments are.
We have all been so caught up in the day, the game, work, and that we forgot to look around. In the effort to get things down we didn’t take a mental snapshot of what was happening. It can be hard to step out of check-list-mode in order to make something special in the moment. Of course, you can reflect on it as a special moment, but catching it in the moment can be difficult.
Writing a letter to your son gives you time to reflect and express yourself in a way that could be difficult while everything is happening. Sometimes, we have built in pause moments, like a graduation or a wedding day. If you’re working on writing a letter to your son on his wedding day, check out this article. But even during those special times, knowing the exact right thing to say can be difficult.
3 – Your child might not be ready to talk when you are.
It can be hard to say things, or catch the moment while it is happening. But not all of our letters are going to be starting from a solid relationship. Maybe you’ve had a rocky road with your relationship with your son. Maybe you had a blowout argument. You could have drifted apart over the years. Or you could just think that you two are just too different to have a strong relationship.
This is one of the places where an open, heartfelt letter to your child can be a starting point. This can help to mend a relationship and to having a deeper conversation, which leads to number 4!
4 – Starting hard conversations
Sometimes, starting the conversation that needs to be had can be difficult. This letter can start the conversation you’ve tried to have, but maybe you couldn’t.
How do you jump into a conversation where you tell your son that becoming a parent is hard? Or that having a kid is scary? Or that sometimes a parent’s divorce might be good for them? It is easy to have a conversation when your child asks for advice.
When you’re watching their life as a parent, you want to help anyway you can. A letter to an adult son can serve as the conversation starter. It can serve as the opportunity to let them know you are open to talk.
5 – Emotions can be hard
Let’s face it, it can be hard to talk about your emotions with people. Being vulnerable is not often rewarded in men and as a result might not be something you’ve practiced a lot.
Talking to your son about your feelings can be difficult. Sharing difficult times you’ve experienced can be raw. Recalling your favorite memories can be sentimental. Even just being able to open yourself up with becoming embarrassed can be hard for some men.
A letter allows you to open up without having to read facial expressions to see how the other person is taking it. You might not feel the immediate need to defend your position, or backtrack on what you are meaning.
You can write an emotional letter to your son without being emotional in front of him. This may open the door for allowing emotions to be part of your interactions with one another.
6 – A keepsake
This letter will be something they can look back on. You won’t be around forever. Maybe you were really good at sharing your feelings
It can be hard to think about, but no one is around forever. Think about those special experiences that you’ve had with people that have passed away. Overtime, memory of an event may fade. Including the words that were said, and how they were said can be lost.
Writing a letter to your son can allow him to look back and remember who his father was. It can be a way for grand-kids, and great grand-kids, to know those of who have come before them. It can show them how their parents experienced hard time. It can serve as a guidepost for going through hard things. To help them know they are not alone, or the first to experience joy or sorrow in their family. A letter can show that an example was set for them in how to be a good parent.
If you’re wondering how to leave a part of yourself for posterity, consider leaving a legacy video. This article can be helpful with ideas to discuss when leaving a legacy video or audio message to your child.
Keep reading for tips for writing your letter and things to avoid.
Tips for writing a letter to your son
Now that you understand why someone might write a letter to their son, here are some things to keep in mind when writing a letter from father to son:
Be genuine
You can find sample letters online for what you should say to your son, and how you should say it. Just know that if your son doesn’t want to read a generic letter someone else wrote to their theoretical son. It will not have the desired effect of building your relationship. Find comfort knowing that you don’t need to use big words or fancy examples to be important to your child.
Consider your son’s strengths
Discuss what they are good at, examples of how you’ve seen them succeed and do great things. You can discuss their mental toughness, their creativity, or their stick-to-it-ness. Maybe you mention their ability to see things through, their humility, their willingness to work without complaint, or their ingenuity. By mentioning these things, it shows your son that you see them, and the effort they’ve put in.
Express gratitude for the opportunity to be their parent
Being a good example of gratitude and saying thank you. Nothing quite replaces a good example. Being a father that demonstrates a thankful heart can do a lot to open doors to future conversations. While you know it wasn’t always easy to be their parent, they also know that it wasn’t always easy to be your child. Telling them you’re thankful for the opportunity to be their dad builds that connection of unity.
Consider characteristics you want them to have
If your child is still young, don’t focus on giving specific outlines for how they can make you proud. Instead, you may focus your letter on who they can become. That does not mean dictating the specifics of their life.
They don’t need you to tell them they should go to a specific school/church, marry a specific person, or live in a certain town. Likewise they don’t need to get a certain career, to be considered who you want them to be.
Instead, discuss the importance of being honest, kind, patient, loyal, loving, humble, hard working, and so on. These characteristics can apply to anyone, regardless of their income, marital status, or religion.
Tell them you’re proud of them
Some may confuse being proud of your child as discussing their strengths. But nothing can replace the comfort that a child feels when they know that their parent is proud of them. It can be important to tell your child that you are proud of them.
As is the common thread throughout this article, be specific. Tell them why you are proud of them.
Look for the good
Even if you’re not happy with everything they’ve done, be an example of finding the good in people. By focusing on the positive you give your child permission to acknowledge that progress is important. You’re teaching them to look for the silver lining. You’re reminding them that there are lessons to be learned everywhere.
Apologize
Let them know that parents are human and that everyone is trying their best. This apology does not lessen pain the child may have felt for your poor choices. But teaching them that a father can continue to learn and isn’t perfect can set up a healthy relationship.
Share some of your favorite, special memories with them
Be specific. Think about vacations, Saturday morning routines, conversations, or any memories you have with your child. And tell them about it. They lived it from their perspective.
As they get older they’ll love knowing how you felt during those funny, awkward, or proud situations.
Things not to say in an open letter to your child
We’ve discussed why you would want to write a letter. We’ve discussed what should be included in the letter. But let’s finish with what you want to leave out of the letter. While letters can be good, a poorly constructed letter can be painful and damaging.
Keep these 4 things in mind when writing a letter to your child.
Don’t blame them for a bad relationship
Even if your child has put you through the ringer, didn’t trust you, blamed you for splitting up with your spouse, or living in a place they don’t like, this is not the time to focus on that. As you grow older you start to recognize that people are just trying. Your child may have had some things that they were working through and you didn’t know how to help with. The same may be true of you.
Don’t dwell on past mistakes. Acknowledge them and focus on a way forward.
We all have mistakes that we have made in the past. It is important for you to acknowledge that they did happen and to find a way forward. Ignoring mistakes will diminish the fact that they could have been impactful through your son’s life.
However, trying to address that issue in this letter could prevent you from saying some of the other wonderful things you wanted to. Don’t act like it didn’t happen, but don’t spend your entire letter focusing on past mistakes.
Don’t expect this to fix everything
Make sure that you are setting the appropriate expectations for yourself. As I mentioned before, this letter can serve as a way of opening the door to conversations.
Don’t guilt or shame them
This heartfelt letter is not the time for you to guilt them for choices. There will always be choices that you think they should have made differently. “I told you not to marry her” or “Your life would have been a lot different if you had chosen to go into law like I told you to…” That continual input is not going to be helpful.
While those are very pointed examples, saying things like, “I wish you would still consider…” or “I pray that you’ll come back to the fold” can carry just as much guilt as those others. Even if your child has made decisions you don’t agree, you can find reasons to be happy for them. And you can find ways to be proud of what they’ve accomplished.
Consider recording a video for them. Here is an article that can help you record a meaningful video message to your child.
Finally, don’t wait until your son has a big life event to write a letter to him.
Create a tradition of writing letters to your son on his birthday. This can keep the door open for conversations throughout the year. Look at this as using pass, screen, and running plays rather than just one Hail Mary. There is no reason to just throw up a final play and hope it all works out. Building that relationship and nurturing it will be important.
If your son is already out of the house don’t worry, it’s better to start late than never. It’s the consistency that is important.
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