Congratulations on looking into adoption! In this article discussing the adoption pros and cons that you may face when going through this process. As a dad, or future father, it can be exciting and terrifying at the same time. When you are considering growing your through adoption there can be a lot of questions that you may not know who to ask. Here is a list of some of the adoption pros and cons. Along with the pros and cons we will look at some of the common terminology used in adoption, methods of adoption and some considerations prior to adopting.
Just to let you know you are not alone, my wife and I were foster parents through the Department of Children and Families. You will not be the first to consider the option of adoption and you will not be alone if you go through the process. There are countless community resources available.
It can be a difficult process but very rewarding. You will have many people tell you what a saint you are and how they could never do it. But you’ll realize that you’re not a superhero. You’re just someone trying to build a family, help others feel connected, and be a good parent.
The layout for this article will be:
- Common terms related to adoption
- Private adoption vs. public adoption
- Closed adoption vs. open adoption
- Considerations before starting the adoption process
- Pros and Cons of adopting for potential adoptive parents
- Pros and cons of adopting for birth parents
Let’s get into it.
Common Terms related to Adoption
- Biological parent – The mother and/or father that is the genetic parent of the child
- Foster parent – A parent going through the process to care for a child while they are in the foster care system before the finalization of adoption
- Adoptive parent – A parent that has legally become the parent of a child that they are not genetically related to.
- Home study – A process that a potential adoptive parent will go through to have their home approved to welcome a new member into it. It often entails the prospective parents exploring their family experiences, support systems, expectations, and parenting perspectives.
- Open adoption – An adoption where the birth parent still has open contact with the adoptive family and their child. The level of contact varies.
- Closed adoption – An adoption where the birth parent does not have contact with the adoptive family and/or their child
- Private adoption – When you are working with a private agency to find a child to adopt.
- Public adoption – When a parent works with a state agency to find a child to adopt.
- Caseworker – Oftentimes a social worker that is assigned to your profile. Many times a child will have a caseworker, a birth parent will have a caseworker and an adoptive parent will have a caseworker. Each caseworker will be advocating for their responsible party.
Private adoption vs. Public adoption
Whether you are choosing to go through a private or public adoption, the end goal is the same, to grow your family. However, there can be very different experiences.
Private adoption
Private adoption can function in many ways. These can be more involved, or complicated, depending on which country, agency, is being utilized. Typically, adoptions through private agencies are for newborn children and can be more expensive than a public adoption. In a private adoption, biological parents may have a say in who is able to adopt their child.
International adoptions will further complicate the adoptive process. Many times you will be required to travel to the prospective child’s home country to meet the child, meet with the agency, and be cleared to adopt. International adoptions can also take longer to complete.
Public adoption
In the United States, each state has an agency that works with families to help them through times of trouble or to help children get out of dangerous situations. This can be called the department of children and family, division of family services, the department of child safety, or any number of things. You will find it operating with the state government system.
You can find children that are already legally separated from their parents and available to be adopted in your state by using AdoptUSkids.org.
These children are often removed from their homes due to unsafe conditions, inability of parents to care for their child, or a parent is not available to care for the child. Public adoptions can take place for newborns all the way up to 18 year olds. Within a public adoption you will also find a wider range of needs for the children available for adoption. There may be children who have high medical needs (feeding tubes, cystic fibrosis, autism, etc.). You are able to determine what your comfort and ability level is to care for a child. Your case worker will not allow you to be matched with a child that has known needs that you are not comfortable with.
Closed Adoption vs. Open Adoption
You may be tempted to erase that child’s background or history. To tell them things like, “you’ve always been my baby” or “you were born to be a part of our family”. These things can mask a child’s true background, history, and may create difficulty in understanding who they are.
Closed adoption
A closed adoption is one in which the birth parents and child do not have contact. Not only do they not have contact but oftentimes the records are sealed and it can be very difficult to find the birth parents. This can lead to fantasizing about what their life would have been, who their parents are, and why their parents gave them up.
Closed adoptions are tidier, on the front end. The parent and child can go about their life without having to discuss adoption, family layout, or addressing their child’s questions about their origin. The cons of a closed adoption are that the lack of these conversations at a younger age will only increase the difficulty of those conversations later. Many children can feel blindsided if they don’t know they were adopted and only find out when they get older, whether that be on accident or on purpose.
Open adoption
Here are some pros and cons of open adoption. An open adoption occurs when the birth parents and child are able to still communicate. The level of communication will vary and will be decided upon prior to the finalization of the adoption, though it might be revisited later.
If you are in an open adoption, it can feel like there is less closure because the relationship is still developing with both the birth parent and the adoptive parent. This does not mean that the birth parent will be at every family function or have rights for their child on the weekend. But there can still be communication.
One of the biggest benefits of an open adoption is that the child will know where they come from. They can better understand the situation rather than finding out later in life they are adopted without warning. Most adoptions now are open, for the sake of the child being able to reconnect with their parents and understand their story. Another benefit of an open adoption is that the child can know their family’s medical history to know what to watch for.
The biggest concern with an open adoption is that of boundaries. Open communication and a good plan in place from the beginning will alleviate a lot of those concerns.
Considerations before starting the adoption process
While you may just think that you are looking for someone to grow your family, that can look different for everyone. This is by no means an exhaustive list, it can start the conversation around what you will need to consider when going through the adoptive process. Things you will want to consider prior to looking into adoption include:
Why are you interested in adopting?
- Am I doing this to “save” a life/give them a better life?
- Are you doing this to grow your family?
- Do you want a sibling for your child?
- Have you tried everything else and this is the last option?
If you do adopt a child outside of your cultural background, will you be able to provide a community that will help them understand their heritage and ancestry?
- Will you be open to understanding their cultural background?
- Are you willing to put yourself in uncomfortable situations so that your child can be comfortable?
- Are you open to having conversations with your friends and strangers about a blended family?
- Do you have any friends from that ethnic background?
- Do you know anyone from that background?
What are you looking for?
- Are you looking for a newborn?
- Are you looking for a certain child from a specific ethnicity?
- Do you want a daughter or a son?
- Would you be open to a sibling group rather than one child?
It is important to understand that adopting will inherently be different than giving birth to a child. That does not mean you will not feel like a parent or that you won’t love your child. But your family will be built a different way, and different is not bad. But it will require you to challenge your preconceived ideas of what a family is. And that might be difficult for some people. This is not a bad thing, it is just an honest observation regarding the reality of adoption.
To lighten the conversation a little bit, here is an excellent video that discusses some of the common things you will hear from others if you continue down the path of adoption. They will also explain what the person is actually asking. If you find it helpful you may want to pass it along to others going through the adoption process or even those around you.
Adoption Pros and Cons – Adoptive Parents
Pros of adoption for the adoptive parents
- If you can’t have kids of your own, this is one way to have a family
- You are helping a child in need
- You could have health concerns that make it difficult/dangerous to have children
- It can happen pretty quickly and you may not have to wait 9 months
- You are joining a community of adoptive parents that are supportive and helpful
- If you go through a state you live in you may get help with child care, medical costs, free college tuition, or even a stipend.
- While this is not a reason to adopt, this assistance can help those who may not be in a place financially to support children though they can offer a home of love and support.
Cons of adoption for adoptive parents
- The cost can be high if you are going through a private adoption agency
- There may be a long wait or vetting process before growing your family
- There will be difficult conversations that you won’t have to have with a birth child
- Your child may be from a different country, of a different ethnicity, or cultural background than you. You will want to make sure you are willing to let them explore and understand that background, that you may never fully be a part of. That is not to say you wouldn’t be welcome, but being of a certain ethnicity/culture/country is different than being around it.
- You might have to navigate introducing them to their birth parents
- They could have siblings that you might feel responsible to bring into your home
- You may be introducing a new adopted child into a home of children already and that can have it’s own dynamics.
Pros and Cons for Adoption for Birth Mother
Pros of adoption for birth parents
- The parent can know that their child is being taken care of
- The parent can continue to work towards a life where they may be ready to introduce a child into their home in the future
- Some adoption agencies allow birth mothers to choose the adoptive parents. (This gives the birth parent a sense of peace knowing what type of family or home their child will be going into.)
- If it is an open adoption you will be able to check in with your child
- You are helping another family grow their love and they will love your baby
- In some cases you may become close to the adoptive family and gain a community yourself
Cons of adoption for birth parents
- There will be a sense of grief or loss
- It may be hard to visit your children in a new home
- You may disagree with some choices the adoptive parents make.
Conclusion – Adoption Pros and Cons
While we were going through the training process to become parents participants would ask as many questions as they could. We were going through the public adoption route and so adoptive parents may have been looking for older children or sibling group alongside newborns. Participants in the training would ask if a child might be combative, or religious, or act out, or reserved? Or “what is the likelihood that “x” would happen?”
An adoptive parent how had been through the process and was assisting with the training said, “I can sit here and tell you that, “x” won’t happen, because it didn’t happen to me. But what I’ve learned is that, if it happens to you then it happens 100% of the time”
What he was saying is that you can only prepare for so much. Someone else will have a different experience.
Each child is different, each parent is different, each home is different. Just as with a birth child, you cannot tell the future and know what will happen. It is a journey, and you are along for the ride.
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This article is just for information and each situation will be individual based on your own experience.