This letter to new dads is one that is often experienced but never discussed.
The Dad Matters hopes to change that.
To you, the new father, the man in the hallway, sitting there alone. I get you, we get you, though no one lets you know. Everything has moved fast, you’re largely ignored and through this process of change, everyone has talked about the future and how exciting it will be. But right now, you may start to see that in order to get to the future you’ve got to get through the present. And that might be terrifying. That hallway may be empty. And passerby’s may seem to ignore you.
Society hasn’t taught you how to deal with this moment. You’re not prepared to be here. I mean, you’re ready because you’re always ready, but not to be here. To be vulnerable and helpless, an onlooker to future life and the process it takes to get it here. It’s lonely. It’s quiet, and it’s not often that you’re quiet enough to recognize the gravity of the situation. But to the man in the hallway, time may stand still.
And when you leave that hallway you are walking into a that room may be Gethsemane. A crucible to life. It all comes to a head, where it could go wrong, and it could go right. But no one discussed the delivery room with you.
No, not for you. Here, you’re an onlooker, not the driver, not the doctor, not THE important parent.
You’re a bystander, shuffled from here to there. A helpless spectator, but a creator of the game. You’ve created the change and now just have to watch it play out, just watching. It may go perfect.
And it may not.
You may have to put on a brave face and lie to your love. You may see things you wish you never had. And that joke is not what I’m talking about. But it’s the deflection we use to deflect from the severity, the weight of those moments, or minutes, that can last forever, that no one knows about.
And that bed. That lack of sleep. The changing of diapers before the changing of diapers. You mention it and the outcry is, “you did nothing! It’s not hard for you, think of her!” And that’s all you have done, and that’s all you can do. But just because she’s done hard, doesn’t take away your experience.
To the man in the hallway, I see you. I’ll slow nod if I pass, but that meeting of the eyes is an acknowledgment of more than just your presence.
Men before you have been there, and men after you will follow. So please, be open, and supportive, and honest with those around you.
To the men in the hallways, I hope you feel this, and you can help someone to recognize that the hallway is full, full of men like us.